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Look At Me, Hawke
Posted: Jul 4 2018, 05:46 PM
He didn’t know where he was.
The bed was too soft. The air was too warm and smelled of smoke, and a faint din of raucous laughter. What put him here? When had he moved?
Fenris lunged an arm for where he would have kept his greatsword.The tattoos flared brightly as he ripped from the bed, although a surprise “What?” left his lips as his hand clasped air. He staggered because he’d been expecting a sword to counter-balance him. Instead, he swept a cup off the round nightstand, spilling water onto the floor. Catching himself, feet apart,his eyes landed on the only other person in the room.
“Hawke? I… uhn.” Darkness swallowed his vision and sparkled in stars. His hand pressed into the wall as the other cupped around his eyes, tattoos dimming slowly. The sparkling in his vision ceased and he was aware of an enormous headache squeezing his head in a tight vice. “Fasta vass… We are… I thought… Where are we? How did we…?”
Fenris sat on the edge of the bed, holding his head in his hands. He had… swirls of blurred images all together. Arrow holes. Gravity. Hawke. Bending metal. Purple. Hawke. Slave. Hunters. Lyrium. Vials. Sword of Mercy. Sunshine. Poison? Bears? His fingers caught in the hair knot that had once been a braid and strands hung down beside his cheeks. Gingerly, he pawed at his upper chest, twisting his neck to peer down and saw he didn’t have arrow wounds.
“Are we in a tavern?” he asked. Fenris leaned down to pick up the wooden cup next to his feet. “Yes, we got here… earlier? Yes. Uhn. My head. Was I hit?” He looked at the cup. The cell. The past few days he’d been in a cell. “Did you rescue me?” He twisted around, a wrinkle in his forehead as his memory evaded him. Which was frightening, because everything was unclear since he’d taken arrows to his chest. And another moment where the hunters stripped him of everything. His sword, his armor, his reminders of Hawke - the red ribbon, the crest, and the letter.
Oh, Hawke. What was in that letter? He lost it. He lost everything. All he had were these poor clothes and his memories.
“Hawke…” Fenris started, voice somber, but then his head throbbed and he groaned, eyes squeezing shut. Then licked his lips against sandy thirst. “Is there more water?”
Posted: Jul 4 2018, 08:12 PM
Sparrow released a breath, shifting to rest his head against the windowpane. The innkeeper had muttered something about his slave when he had returned with him, and it had taken everything he had to not fling the man across the inn. He was surprised that Fenris hadn’t snarled something back, but by the time they had reached the village the elf could barely keep his eyes open much less snarl.
This world was a strange one. The one thing he knew for certain, however, was that Fenris was in more danger here than he had ever been before. Not only because of the markings on his skin, but because of his very race. It was slightly different than home, because at least there were free elves there, but here? Here he had seen little to none. Fenris didn’t need any protecting, but he’d be damned if he let anyone else put a hand on him.
Sparrow heard Fenris start to stir, and he turned his head to look at the elf. He swung his legs around to plant his feet on the ground, gripping the edge of the window seat to push himself up as Fenris bolted up in bed. He winced as the cup crashed to the ground, and he slowly raised to his feet.
”Fenris…” He said softly. Sparrow fell silent as the elf began to work things out in his head, moving closer to the elf. He just nodded, reaching out to take the cup from Fenris’ hand. He let his hand linger briefly, fingers brushing together, before he turned to walk to the pitcher that rested on the table near the door. He poured some more water into the cup, grabbing a towel from next to it as he made his way back to Fenris. The mage placed the cup onto the end table, kneeling down to clean up the water that had spilled onto the floor as best he could.
”You fell asleep before I even got you up here. It’s a good thing you don’t weigh much. Or we really would have had to sleep with the bears...well with the dogs at least.” Sparrow finished cleaning up the spilled water, tossing the soiled towel into a corner of the room, he’d at least try to pick it up later. Staying crouched down, Sparrow lifted his head to stare at Fenris. Maker how he loved this elf. Stupidly he loved him, to the point where he would do stupid things for him.
”You know me, daring rescues are my specialty," Sparrow answered, cracking a slight grin at the elf.
Posted: Jul 5 2018, 07:57 AM
Bears. That’s where he was remembering bears. It must have been some stupid thing Hawke said. “There are benefits to being an elf, and being small and light is one of them.” Fenris picked up the cup of water and sipped carefully. He held the water in his mouth a moment, letting it seep through and refreshen a mouth that had been dry for too long. “I’m sorry. About the spill,” he told Hawke as the man cleaned it up. It was just water, so Fenris could grateful there would be no residual stain.
The corner of his mouth cracked in smile as Hawke joked about rescues. “Yes. Occasionally they are,” he agreed. His eyes fell on Hawke’s, noting the air between them was hesitant and uncertain. Was that because Hawke hadn’t wanted to be found? Although it was more reverse and Hawke had found him, still, time-travel was a long way to go to run away from someone. It was a long way to search for someone, too.
Except he liked the way Hawke looked at him. “Hawke…” Fenris pressed his lips together firm. He let a moment pass, wincing a little as his head panged more viciously, and sipped more water. “I thought I would know what to do when I saw you again, but I don’t have your letter with me so I can make you read it.” He looked into his water cup briefly before back up at Hawke.
Bending metal. Hawke had been ready to warp the cell door to release him. He’d not felt so giddy in weeks at that realization.
Setting his cup down, Fenris slid off the bed onto his knees, his hands outstretched until they cupped Hawke’s face, and his thumbs stroked Hawke’s beard. After weeks and weeks, the touch meant so much; a guarantee Hawke was there and his headache wasn’t causing hallucinations. Fenris tilted his head as he met Hawke’s eyes, shifting closer as he said: “I couldn’t read it. Not physically couldn’t but… I was worried you didn’t want me and if that is true, then command me to stop.”
Fenris kissed him. Wanting every bit of worry and adoration he felt for the man to be transferred between their lips. He’d worried he’d never find the man once he’d fallen into the Fade. He’d worried he’d find Hawke dead. He kept after the search because he chosen to believe the spirit in the Fade, who’d never confirmed nor denied any of his suspicions, but simply encouraged his dedication.
He loved Hawke more than himself. There was very little he wouldn’t do for Hawke, and very little more he hadn’t done to prove such a point. . He would kill or be killed, and had killed and come close to dying, and neither made a difference in how he felt about the other man. He’d entered Fades and conquered demons and fallen prey to one once and it was Hawke who’d helped him to priceless freedom. Nothing, absolutely nothing meant more than Hawke, and he wanted the other man to know it even if this was the last kiss they shared. Even if Hawke told him no more, and said dreadful words he so feared.
Posted: Jul 9 2018, 09:48 PM
Hawke glanced down as Fenris spoke. The letter, maker he'd almost forgotten about that blasted letter. He licked his lips, swallowing hard as he attempted to keep his eyes on the elf and not look away in shame. There was so much that he wanted to say to Fenris, to let him know, but fear kept the words stuck in his throat.
"No," he began to croak out, eyes widening. He never wanted Fenris to ever think that he didn't want him. That was the exact opposite of why he had left. He'd left to keep him safe, to keep them all safe, because that was all he had ever wanted. He had only ever wanted to keep the elf safe, from the moment that he'd met him. As Fenris slid into the floor with him, Sparrow instantly raised his hands to cup the elf’s face, shaking his head. “No, Fenris, I never--"
Sparrow's words were halted by the elf's lips against his own, and he gasped softly before he returned the kiss. His hands dropped to Fenris’ shirt, bunching the fabric into his hands as he pulled the elf against him. There was no hesitance in his actions, nothing to interpret into his lack of want for Fenris. There was only need. Need and desperation and relief. He loved this elf more than he had ever loved anything. It had scared him at first, still did at times, but never once was there regret.
They parted with harsh breaths, and Sparrow took a moment to collect his thoughts before he raised his head to meet Fenris’ gaze. His hands once more found the elf's face, roaming slightly as if he wasn't exactly sure where he wanted to touch the elf because everywhere wasn't an option.
“I have never,”Sparrow began, his voice a harsh whisper. “Regretted anything in my life more than I did the night I left you. I wanted to turn back, to come home every night but I couldn't. I wanted to protect you...”
His hand had slipped around to cup the back of Fenris’ neck, gripping it tightly as he pulled the elf forward slightly. Sparrow licked his lips, releasing a breath. “I love you, maker be damned, I love you. And I'm sorry....I'm so sorry.”
Sparrow’s grip tightened slightly, and he leaned forward to press his forehead against Fenris. His eyes were squeezed shut, and his sinuses burned with tears he refused to shed.
Posted: Jul 12 2018, 06:46 AM
His fingers dug behind Hawke’s jaw as he was pulled closer, before his hands went behind the other man’s hand and he kissed harder. It was a relief. The way Hawke clung to him must mean the letter couldn’t have been a permanent goodbye, and maybe he had been worried for nothing. He should have read the letter.
He didn’t lean away from the other man. A small smile touched his lips as Hawke’s brown eyes glanced up, which mellowed further as Hawke spoke in a serious, heartbroken tone.
Fenris understood the regret, the way the heart felt while saying those words, and the way they tasted in the mouth. He’d left Hawke once. For three years. “Protect me from a few chantry women? Hawke, we have faced demons and templars and Qunari, knight commanders and grand enchanters.” He looked at Hawke’s eyes as he cradled the back of his neck, even if the other man wasn’t looking back. “You’re the one who needed more protection.” Somehow, that knowledge hadn’t seemed to matter when Hawke had decided to leave.
“You are forgiven,” Fenris said. His hand petted the back of Hawke’s head, smoothing his hair repeatedly. “Before you knew you were.” He pulled Hawke against his shoulder and wrapped his arms around him as his cheek pressed against Hawke’s ear.
“I’m with you.” Fenris rubbed his hands on Hawke’s upper back. “I was not jesting.” He gripped harder. ”I will gladly walk with you wherever you go. No matter the fire. I’d follow you to hell. Although, I think I’ve done that because this world is cruel and structured as the pinnacle of everything I hate.
“Leaving me in Kirkwall… the mansions in High Town... That is no home. You are my home.”
Fenris buried his mouth against Hawke’s shoulder, quieting to focus on just holding Hawke. Listened to the strained breathing as Hawke refrained from crying, and squeezed him as if that would help the man remain together and whole. Fenris drifted in the moment, concentrating on the press of their chests, as if he could feel Hawke’s heart against his ribs. The headache pulsed distractingly in his skull.
“You know what I’ve done at the behest of people I did not love.” Tilting his chin, Fenris kissed the side of Hawke’s head. He thought fleetingly of Seheron, of the battles with the Qunari and his massacre of the fog warriors. He pressed his nose against the curve of Hawke’s cheekbone. “There exists no limit on what I would do for you.”
He had said this all before. He’d said this all several times over the last couple of years. Even still, Hawke seemed to need reminding because he either did not believe or he was so simply stubborn and thickheaded.
His stomach growled. Heaving a large breath, Fenris loosened his arms once more, setting them apart but resting palms on Hawke’s forearms. “I wish I felt better.” Green eyes appraised Hawke openly. “But my head is throbbing and I refused to eat while in that cell. I think she was poisoning my food so I would sleep.” Fenris squeezed Hawke’s arms. “Thank you. For rescuing me. This is the first I’ve felt wakeful since I was moved to that witch’s house. If it weren’t for you, I don’t know how much longer it would have been before I escaped.” He stroked Hawke’s cheek, feeling gratefulness and admiration.
“Could we get some bread? Then I… I have some questions. Like if there’s a way to return that does not involve trespassing the Fade.”
Posted: Jul 21 2018, 11:28 PM
Sparrow made a noise in his throat as Fenris pulled him tight. He felt as if weight had been taken off his shoulders. Fenris still wanted him and despite the elf saying he was forgiven he felt as if he had a lot to make up for. Right now, however, he was content to just lay--or sit as the case might have been--in Fenris' arms, savoring the warmth and slight tingle from lyrium against his skin.
Honestly, Sparrow knew that Fenris would have gladly faced off with the Divine and whatever she sent after him and that was what he was afraid of. He knew there was nothing Fenris would not do to him, even give his own life if it was necessary and he would make damn certain that would never be an option.
"I know," Sparrow spoke, his voice rasping from emotion. He took in a shaky breath, nuzzling into Fenris as the elf rubbed his nose along the curve of his cheek. "Maker I know you would, and that is what terrified me. I didn't want to lose you."
Licking his lips, Sparrow shifted as Fenris sat back, frowning as the elf spoke about his stay with the mage. Anger snapped in his dark eyes and he felt a stirring in the back of his mind, like a cat stretching after a nap.
"No one will ever touch you again," Sparrow whispered fiercely. He raised his hand to rest over Fenris' against his cheek. His lips curved into a grin and he chuckled at the request for bread. The grin fell briefly, dread settling in his stomach. What kind of questions? There was on subject in particular that he didn't want to discuss. He knew they should, he knew that it was something he should tell Fenris, but part of him was hoping that the elf wouldn't remember.
"I'll go get some food," Sparrow spoke, moving Fenris' hand to press a kiss against his palm. He rubbed his thumb against the elf's skin before letting go. "And then we will talk."
Sparrow stood, stretching with a groan before letting his fingers slip through Fenris' hair. It was just briefly before he turned to head out of their room. It was late, but the tavern was still bustling with life. It was mainly lowlifes and mercenaries that currently sat around drinking, and it was hard for Sparrow to shake old habits. He kept having an urge to glance behind him, and had to force himself to walk to the counter.
”How can I help you, sweetcheeks.”
Sparrow flashed the woman grin, and leaned forward to cross his arms on the bar. He could tell in her demeanor that she was a no nonsense kind of woman, and honestly she reminded him a little bit of Aveline. That thought made his chest tighten, and he cleared his throat.
”My friend is a little hungry, I was hoping you might have something I can take off your hands?”
”Friend? You mean your slave? Hmph. I got some old bread I was about to throw out. Otherwise you can have some of the slob we feed to the dogs.” Sparrow felt his eye twitch as the woman called Fenris a slave, but his smile never left his face. They didn’t need to be thrown out at the moment. ”The bread is fine.”
The woman made another noise, disappearing into the back. She came out a moment later with a loaf of bread, and he nodded his head in thanks. Sparrow was about to turn away to head back upstairs when he paused and turned back to her. He reached over the bar, swiping a bottle of liquor. He mumbled something about putting it on his tab, before he made his way backup the stairs. Once he entered the room, he handed Fenris the bread and set the alcohol on the nightstand next to him.
"If one more person calls you a slave, I'm throwing them through a wall." Sparrow growled softly.
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